At about 1:30 Sunday morning my Bride and I walked through the door of our home. I put the boys to bed and entered into mine. I held my wife to sleep that night, exhausted over all that ensued over the previous ten hours.
Exactly one week before, I was crawling into bed, stunned and rejoicing over the news that she had given me– we were expecting a third child. We spent the week thinking about how and when we were going to tell everyone. I had the nervous excitement that I’m growing familiar with by now.”How am I going to take care of another child,” I thought, followed rather quickly with, “The Lord will provide for us, Ronjour. You know that.”
Because her brother is getting married in a few weeks, my Bride had planned to take the boys with her back home so she could join in the preparation. To celebrate our last weekend together before they flew up north, I decided to take them to the movies. We had a wonderful time. We then went to the candy store in the mall. It was the first time the boys had ever been in a candy store. The look on their faces was priceless; they sort of stared with this, “I’ve found my special purpose” kind of look.
Afterward my Bride had to go to the store as she was preparing for her leave on Monday. It was then that our day changed. Sometime while she was in the store, she felt different. She cut her time short, and we went home. Once we came home, she started to bleed. We knew that we had to get to the hospital quickly. While there, Annie looked at me. Her eyes were red from crying. She knew what was going on in her body. “I just want to prepare you,” she told me, “it doesn’t look good right now. Things haven’t gotten any better, and I’m in a lot of pain right now.”
We prayed together in the waiting room. We prayed that God would intervene. We prayed that he would reverse all that was going on, just as he did when we had problems with Joshua and Noah. We also prayed that if he chose not to do so, we would bless his name. We asked him to deliver us from the “What if’s” and the “What if I did’s”, and instead, we asked, that he would fill us with his inexplicable peace. He did not change the course of her pregnancy. He did give us peace.
Along the way I noticed the words that I used when I was praying. “Lord, save my child.” My child… When he, in his hard wisdom, declined, I heard my Bride say, “I lost the baby.” Baby… We grieve because we lost a child. Our child. We grieve because this child, so very young, so tiny, was still ours. Fearfully and wonderfully made, though not complete. Bearing the image of God. We grieve even though we’ve never met.
Through tears we told our parents. They joined us in tears and prayers. We then told our church. They too overwhelmed us with love and tears and prayers. Perhaps this was just a tiny part of God’s design to show us the beauty of his plan for the local church. Thank God for those who weep with us as we weep. Thank God for the gospel-rich words that I couldn’t even finish:
Freely You gave it all for us
Surrendered Your life upon that cross
Great is the love
Poured out for all
This is our God
Lifted on high from death to life
Forever our God is glorified
Servant and King
Rescued the world
This is our God
And I thank God for my child. Not mass of tissue. Not an accident. I thank God for my child. And I affirm its personhood with my tears.