Leaks, Rooftops, Deserts and Winds: Wisdom for Avoiding the Contentious Woman

[Disclaimer: What I'm about to say in no way represents my Bride. If I were to write about her, I would post on Proverbs 31 or Prov. 18:22 and 24.]

A recurring motif in the Proverbs is a character known as the “contentious woman”. Perhaps you’ve seen her before:

• She is the constant nag who always has something negative to say about her husband’s ideas and decisions
• She constantly complains about her husband and his idiosyncracies to her girlfriends
• She feels the need to “speak her mind” in public or in private in front of the children
• She demeans her husband’s parenting skills because, after all, she is the better parent
• She welcomes her husband home from work with a checklist of all the things he did wrong or did not do at all

I’m sure you get the point by now. This is the contentious woman. And Proverbs has much to say about her. In fact, the term “contentious”, or “quarreling/quarrelsome” is used in reference to a wife five times in Proverbs (19:13; 21:9 and 19; 25:24; 27:15-16). These could be categorized in this way:

1. A contentious woman, like a foolish son or a bad leak in the roof, will bring ruin to her husband (19:13). The parallelism here is helpful in understanding the point of reference. The sage is observing the effect that unwise family members will have on the husband/father. So there are parallels between a foolish son and a quarrelsome wife. Likewise, there are parallels between “ruin” and “continual dripping of rain”– a continual dripping of rain brings ruin on a home. So for all the money that we spend for parenting techniques on the “strong-willed” child, we cannot overlook the “strong-willed” wife. Both will destroy a home!
2. A contentious woman will make her home a worse living environment than a rooftop or even a desert (21:9, 19; 25:24). Consider what the sage is saying; a man could be on a rooftop, exposed to the elements, prime candidate for a lightning strike– but it could be worse; he could be in his house with a nagging wife! Or consider this: a husband could be in the desert, scorched by the heat of the day, frozen by the cold of the night, whipped by the sand, starving and parched, left for dead with no one to rescue– but it could be worse; he could be back home with his angry wife! Perhaps this is why we have bowling leagues, golf clubs, endless sports networks, fantasy football, etc. Husbands just need to get away! Why does he seem aloof? Why does he always seem cranky? Why does he just sit on the couch watching television? It could be because his wife, by her constant nagging and quarreling, has pushed him away from her.
3. A contentious woman, like leaks, wind and oils, cannot be restrained regardless of the effort (27:15-16). Perhaps you’ve met the woman who always speaks her mind. She does not care if she’s right or wrong, nor does she care if she’s appropriate or not. She is only concerned with being heard. The sage says that the husband who tries to rein her in is like one running around in the streets trying to restrain the breeze or a person who can pour oil in his hand without having it run out. You cannot restrain them, and you cannot restrain that kind of wife.

So what do we do with such wisdom? First, if you are single, please note that none of these are desirable situations. If you want to ruin your home, or if you love having a home that makes even the worst places seem like heaven, or if you would want to be known as the one with the spouse who can’t keep her/his mouth shut, then proceed! But if you would like the latter, you must pay attention to that person’s personality before you go any further towards marriage. Anything else would set you up for disaster.

If you are a girl or a woman, please note that this is the woman you do not want to be. You must learn to control your temper and your tongue. And you must swallow your pride. All of the contemporary messages about self-empowerment sounds great, but it could harm your home. You must also work to control a competitive spirit. The issue is not being better than he is; the issue is being wise. If you are younger, watch how you speak to your father and to your teachers. Do you easily snap back at them? Do you frequently question their authority? How you respond today will set up habits for how you respond to your husband. Be wise.

If this is your marriage situation, please consider: God has forgiven us in Christ. Thus all anger, bitterness, slander and contention can be replaced with the forgiveness and love that Christ provides (Eph. 4:31-5:2). This may take moments or years. But if you are the non-contentious one, pray and do not retaliate (Prov. 15:1). If you are the sharpshooter in the marriage, pray that God will conform you into the image of Christ before you wreck your home any further. And for the quarrelsome wife, pray that God will give you a spirit of humility and gentleness. Pray that God will deliver you from the curse of contention set on you from the Fall (Gen. 3:16). And pray that you will be what God intended you to be– his helper, not his lord.

Interracial Couple Denied Marriage License

[Full disclosure: For those who have seen my family pictures, you have seen my beautiful Bride and our sons. On November 6, we will be celebrating our fifth year of marriage, and next year, Lord willing, we will be welcoming a baby girl into the world. I am a black man, and she is a white woman. And we both have been  redeemed by the blood of the Lamb.]

This morning I read that a justice of the peace in Louisiana has made a personal policy not to marry interracial couples. He had two main reasons for doing so: 1) he observed that interracial marriages do not last very long, and 2) he observed that biracial children are not well-received by the respective ethnic groups.

My family is a living example that both reasons are gross overstatements. My wife and I are, by God’s grace, happier and more in love now than we were before. Our two boys are loved by both blacks and whites, both inside and outside the family. There are two main reasons for this. First, we are committed to having a household that is gospel-centered. I am defined by my culture, and I cannot be considered outside of my context(s), but my identity is in Christ. My life is hidden with Christ on high. So I appreciate my heritage and praise God for how and where and when he created me. But I am first and foremost in Christ. My wife stands with me in Christ, and we are teaching our boys to think about and see all of life under his authority.

Second, we are surrounded by Christians who believe the same. We love the fact that our friends and family are not “colorblind” (one day I’ll write about why I don’t like that term), but who in fact praise the God who created race and ethnicity and beauty and history. They understand that God is the one who has promised to redeem us from our sin through Christ Jesus. They understand that his Holy Spirit enables and empowers us to move beyond our pride and our hatred, so that we can indeed love one another as Christ has loved us. We, then, come from particular cultural backgrounds, but we are now a part of a deeper culture, a culture that finds its being in Christ.

So I have not experienced all that this justice of the peace fears precisely because I have experienced the love of God in Christ through the gospel and through active membership in a local church. I understand (and history testifies) that being a part of a local church does not always rule out bigotry and hatred, but it can and it should because Christ reigns.

I do notice also what Denny Burk notices, that the language in the reports is generic enough that this story could be used for same-sex unions as well. My initial response to the story was, “How dare a justice of the peace discriminate when two people love each other and want to be married.” I fell into the trap rather easily, and I’m sure I wasn’t alone. This is where we as Christians should be extra careful to distinguish between what God has endorsed– interracial marriages (ie, Moses and Zipporah, Rahab and Salmon, Ruth and Boaz, etc.)– and what God has clearly called abominable– homosexuality. Nor are we hypocrites for accepting interracial marriages but not homosexuality, for one still adheres to the biblical definition of marriage– one man and one woman– and one does not. One demonstrates God’s grace (Prov. 18:22); one demonstrates God’s wrath (Rom. 1:18, 26-27, 32). One brilliantly images forth the relationship between Christ and his church (Eph. 5:22-33); one cannot.

So if the justice of the peace cares about the failure of marriage and the harm done to children, perhaps he needs to see what happens when the gospel is communicated and lived in our churches. And if he wants to preserve marriage and protect children, he need not deny licenses from interracial couples but from homosexual couples. This would be good in the sight of the God of both justice and peace.

On the President’s Speech at the Human Rights Campaign Dinner

Saturday, while my Bride and boys were on a plane back home after a few weeks visiting family, I was on the couch catching up on current events. I noticed on CNN (and only on CNN) that the President was speaking at the Human Rights Campaign’s 13th annual national dinner. He is only the second President to be invited to speak; former Pres. Clinton spoke there in 1997.

While I was not surprised by his words– this is the same man who promised to “use the bully pulpit to urge states to treat same-sex couples with full equality in their family and adoption laws”– I was nevertheless shocked by how pejorative the President was towards those who oppose homosexual relationships. For instance,

• those who oppose ”hold fast to outworn arguments and old attitudes” 
• those who oppose homosexual relationships are on the wrong side of the civil rights movement, for, “it’s not for me to tell you to be patient, any more than it was for others to counsel patience to African Americans petitioning for equal rights half a century ago”
• those who oppose homosexual relationships “wish to define you solely by your sexual orientation or gender identity alone”
• those who oppose homosexual relationships do not know what it means to love: “For the struggle waged by the Human Rights Campaign is about more than any policy we can enshrine into law. It’s about our capacity to love and commit to one another. It’s about whether or not we value as a society that love and commitment. It’s about our common humanity and our willingness to walk in someone else’s shoes: to imagine losing a job not because of your performance at work but because of your relationship at home; to imagine worrying about a spouse in the hospital, with the added fear that you’ll have to produce a legal document just to comfort the person you love; to imagine the pain of losing a partner of decades and then discovering that the law treats you like a stranger.”

The President has big expectations for the future of homosexuality in America:

My expectation is that when you look back on these years, you will see a time in which we put a stop to discrimination against gays and lesbians — whether in the office or on the battlefield. (Applause.) You will see a time in which we as a nation finally recognize relationships between two men or two women as just as real and admirable as relationships between a man and a woman. (Applause.) You will see a nation that’s valuing and cherishing these families as we build a more perfect union — a union in which gay Americans are an important part. I am committed to these goals. And my administration will continue fighting to achieve them.

Unfortunately this would not lead to the change that’s wanted. We do remember what happened to Sodom…

[Update: Dr. Mohler gave his remarks on the speech here.]

A Humble Christian

Here’s a quote from Thomas Watson on what it means for a Christian to be humble (HT: The Gospel Coalition):

A humble man is willing to have his name and gifts eclipsed, so that God’s glory may be increased. He is content to be outshone by others in gifts and esteem, so that the crown of Christ may shine the brighter. This is the humble man’s motto: ‘Let me decrease; let Christ increase.’ It is his desire that Christ should be exalted, and if this is effected, whoever is the instrument, he rejoices. ‘Some preach Christ of envy’ (Phil. 1:15). They preached to take away some of Paul’s hearers. ‘Well,’ says he, ‘Christ is preached; and I therein do rejoice’ (v. 18). A humble Christian is content to be laid aside if God has any other tools to work with which may bring him more glory.

Thabiti on Bacote on Thabiti

Dr. Vincent Bacote, Associate Professor of Theology at Wheaton College, critiques Thabiti Anyabwile’s book, The Decline of African-American Theology, for Books and Culture. Thabiti was also kind enough to respond to Dr. Bacote’s review, particularly on mainline black churches and the regulative principle in the black church. Enjoy their conversation, and read Thabiti’s book.

‘Overwhelming’, One Year Later

A year ago I lost one of my best friends from college. Anthony Eldridge lived a few doors down from me in the dorms of Washington Bible College. I loved the way he thought and talked about God. I was never alone with that; I loved the fact that when I would talk to profs there, they would talk to me about him. It was as if we all knew that he was a gift from God. Anthony was a groomsman in my wedding. When I left WBC and started teaching at a school nearby, I loved getting back to the campus or calling him up to catch up with him.

I remember the night that I heard the news. I had an unusual amount of voicemails that night, and I didn’t know why. As usual I immediately thought the worse. When a friend finally told me, I was stunned. “Not Anthony. Not him,” I cried into my Bride’s arms. I lost a brother that day. I still miss him.

In tribute to him, I wanted to post his final sermon, called “God’s Mission”, just days after his mission was complete. I also encourage you to read the words of his wife, Kristi. I thank God for his overwhelming grace in comforting her. I pray that he continues to use her, and Anthony, for his glory.

Between Two Worlds Moves

Many of you have benefitted from Justin Taylor’s blog, Between Two Worlds. He is one of the few evangelical blogs that are must reads (and no, I would not include mine in that short list!). For those who did not know, he has moved his blog to its new home at The Gospel Coalition. Here is his inaugural post.

Problems with ‘Get to the Point’

God in his infinite wisdom decided to give us a book, a very long book, and not a portrait or an aphorism. God reveals himself in his image, Jesus, but we come to know that image by reading, and that takes time. God wants to transform us into the image of his image, and one of the key ways he does that is by leading us through the text. If we short-circuit that process by getting to the practical application, we are not going to be transformed in the ways God wants us to be transformed. “Get to the point” will not do because part of the point is to lead us through the labyrinth of the text itself. There is treasure at the center of the labyrinth, but with texts, the journey really is as important as the destination. “Get to the point, man” is the slogan of the liberal theologian; it is a demand for the kernel without the annoying distraction of the husky twists and turns of the text itself.

- Peter Leithart, Deep Exegesis: The Mystery of Reading Scripture, p. 55

Hampton University and the Black Home

Hampton University is hosting the National Summit on Marriage, Parenting and Families on September 29-30. Here is what they envision:

A gathering of some of the nation’s most influential leaders in an historic and groundbreaking public conversation about marriage and family relationships. The event will serve as a catalyst for nationwide attention to these important issues and a call to action. The Summit will inspire all who participate in and observe or hear about it to take action, both individually and collectively to transform marriages, empower parents and strengthen families.

This will also be the launching pad for the National Center on African American Marriages and Parenting, which will be led by Dr. Linda Malone-Colon, who wrote a very good op-ed piece recently entitled, “Why the black community can’t talk about marriage”.

As HU prepares to join the discussion, please pray that God would raise up gospel-centered local churches in black communities who can proclaim and model what black homes can look like when Christ is supreme in them. If you care about the glory of God spreading for the joy of all peoples, then pray fervently for God to save marriages and families.

Unlocking Femininity

There are a few ladies here at Southwestern who have decided to think a little deeper about biblical womanhood in the 21st century. Katie Frugé, Diane Hawkins, Sarah Bubar, Katie McCoy and Gabrielle Pickle have joined forces to put together what should be a very useful resource. If you are a single or married, mom or grandmom, or if you are a guy who knows women or is looking for wisdom regarding biblical womanhood, check out Unlocking Femininity.